do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
