Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
