the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
