How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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