a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
