Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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