Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
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I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
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he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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