Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
whose ass print is on the piano?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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