Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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