Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
