this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize