My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
