i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
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A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
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Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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