i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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