i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
