Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth