I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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