textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
