yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
