You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
