We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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