My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
