Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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