he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
