I think i peed on brittanys purse
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
