There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
