I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
nutella sex= disaster
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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