I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
