Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
