It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
