get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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