I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
