she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
