obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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