he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
