Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
