Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
