So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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