I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Actions speak louder than pants.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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