This is not my ceiling
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
