TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
