I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
ok first of all what the fuck
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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