I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
