I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
