Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
