can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
