just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
