i love accidental penises.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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