where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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