legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
