Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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