Can i not drive my cunt home
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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