I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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