Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
